It's 6:15, and I'm not up early. I woke in the middle of a deep sleep and almost started having a break down in bed. I think I have to get up and write. I haven't been this bothered in ....oh, a long time. I might be headed for the kind of break down that changes one's life either for the better or worse, but either way, can't remain the same. I bottle my problems sometimes, and try to remain happy-go-lucky, and basically put my emotions on hold. But then soon enough, I'm waking in the middle of the night on the verge of tears. I'm trying to figure a way to be able to write what I'm feeling without directly divulging what it is I'm talking about. It doesn't matter, anyway, it's all too fresh. Whenever bad things happen to me, I immediately question the cosmos, and ask what I've done to bring bad karma on myself. Did I hurt someone's feelings somewhere along the line, or cause such a horrible reaction in the universe that I must now reap it? Or am I simply the victim of bullying? I can't help but to point blame to the latter.
Do people realize what pain they'll actually be causing in one's life when they play games like these? Again, it doesn't matter really. I have to try to apply what I've taught myself about staying "in the now". I have to look back on this moment, from the future and remember that none of it mattered. It requires alot of projecting outside of myself, but I know that works.
The people that know me on a personal level know who I am. They appreciate me and know that I'm kind, and generous, and of good will. They know that I'm humble and honest, and I can't fight to let the rest of the world know that; I have to learn true acceptance of what is, and simply surrender to what hand nature is dealing me.
And in the end.... I'll sell my story. ;)
1 comment:
Dear Bianca,
People make their decisions for wrong reasons sometimes. You are still the most beautiful girl in the world, regardless of pretentious booty filled convention centers where the level of sexism runs high and if you don’t put out, IF that’s a consideration- if you don’t put out, you get shut out.
In your own words, allow me to quote…
Fu*k ‘m all, Watch ‘em fall.
It’s difficult to exude as much class and elegance as you do. You never know what people really want from you, whether it’s to be more trashy, more flirtatious, as pretentious and sleazy as the others, the base regular average ones or the exceptionally over giving.
There are people that will criticize you because you are intelligent and not the below average man’s fantasy.
None of those are you.
You are a rare flower, regardless of the seeds blown in and around you. Regardless of the field of daisies and dandelions. Regardless of the shallow critics such as this lame writer Brock Landers or the other homo-literati ignoramus with jealousy and envious intent.
Regardless of the uneducated gardeners that overlook your worth and gather a bouquet of common perennials and trod upon the unseen rare seedling that occur in these parts only once in every lifetime…
You will always be a level above the rest.
Always.
Love,
An Intelligent Admirer"
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